Birth stories!
You see them all over blogs and Pinterest and they are so sweet and such a special way to remember those details of the most precious times in your life.
You know what's not on blogs though? Miscarriage stories. I know, because I searched for them...Real stories of what happens, what's to follow and what no one wants to talk to about. I can remember that weekend in the hospital and at home, searching the internet vigorously for answers, for similarity, for other women's stories that could help me understand what was happening and what was to come. What I found was very little, and so 1 year later I've decided to share the details. Not for sympathy, but because sometimes it's necessary. Necessary for your own sanity and necessary to face the fear and anxiety and to be that thing or the words that that woman is currently searching for. The details may not be pretty and they may not be for everyone but it's real. For instance, did you know that Miscarriages in a hospital are actually referred to as "spontaneous abortions". And that it will be listed as just that on every form you fill out and every bill you get sent. I didn't...and every time I had to hear it, I died a little bit inside...
Before you read on, just know that these are honest thoughts and some not so comfortable [women] details. But this is a real story, and one that I don't think should be sugar-coated. I woke up this morning with the heaviest heart remembering everything that happened, but I'm going to bed tonight reminded of the plan that's been made for me, and much lighter and brighter. Feel free to read on to hear my miscarriage story.
I'll never forget this day, this weekend or the little baby that we lost.
My husband was away on a business trip, and when I say away I don't mean out of the city or out of state. I mean, in another country on a very tiny remote island. I was at my in-laws house with my then 18m old little Jude. We were playing and laughing and I stepped away to use the bathroom when I noticed a very small amount of "spotting". I'll be honest, I immediately thought the worst. I was kind of frozen, but brought myself to go tell my mother-in-love what I had found. Of course in my head I know that spotting can be very normal in pregnancy, so I think we both tried hard to just believe that. They took Jude for the night, and I stayed in bed.
I googled every possible thing I could and finally decided to just go to sleep. When I woke in the morning to use the bathroom there it was again..only a little more this time. I immediately called my mom and told her I needed to go to the ER. Something was not right and in my gut, I already knew.
In the ER, they obviously tested to make sure I was in fact pregnant! "Yes you are pregnant!" (The first of many many times they would repeat this to me...) They did multiple tests and asked a bunch of questions..."
How far along are you?"... I was just at 7 weeks. So when they told me that my HCG level was 135...the reality really started setting in...that's way way too low. I will never ever forget them telling me, "You're definitely pregnant, we just need to see what's going on!"
[ Let me sidebar for a minute, some things I suggest never saying to someone who's miscarried, "at least you weren't further along" "oh you were only 7 weeks?" "So glad it happened early" . As if the duration of my pregnancy should make my feelings void. So just some advice, think whatever you want, but keep those types of statements to yourself, they can really mess with a woman who is already hormonal and already feeling guilty of feeling loss over something she didn't get to know. ]
After waiting what seemed like forever for an ultrasound, we finally went in. I will never forget the amount of anxiety I felt laying on that bed, shivering with stress and emotion. From what I remember the tech was mostly silent, and of course, removed herself to get the doctor. We've all seen enough movies to know what comes next. The dreaded news came. There was nothing in my uterus. Nothing?!? What do you mean, nothing?? However, there was something where it shouldn't be. They wheeled me back to my room and not long after the "not so well mannered" doctor came in and told me again, "You're pregnant!" But very abruptly and firmly said "but we think it's an ectopic pregnancy, and either way it will not be viable." I think I was just jello at that point. Telling me I'm pregnant and ripping it away in the same sentence. That feeling is something I can't begin to explain.
Having never heard of an ectopic pregnancy before, I was not as aware of the threat as everyone else in the room was. However, I quickly learned that they are extremely dangerous, can cause your Fallopian tube to rupture and can even be fatal.
So with that information I immediately tried to get a hold of my husband. After a lot of phone calls to multiple people and through a very static ridden conversation, I was able to tell him that we were losing our baby. [ Yes, even at only knowing of our pregnancy just a few short weeks, that's exactly how I felt and it's still how we feel to this day. We lost apart of us, that's doesn't go away.] At this particular time he was on a very tiny island with little to no service with clients and co-workers and thank God, his brothers. [God is seriously so good because his brothers accompanying him on the trip was a vey last minute decision, God knew.]
But it wasn't until the next day that he would be able to start the multiple plane rides to come home.
I was admitted to a room to be monitored closely and I remember vividly asking God point blank, "Why do trying situations always happen when Scott isn't here?!"
Without skipping a beat, God responded. "So that you lean on me, instead of him." I have heard God very clearly twice in my life. That was one of them. It was so profound and every single day I'm comforted by those words.
After more tests and ultra sounds, the doctors decided to just monitor me closely because different symptoms were not adding up, I had very minimal bleeding yet nothing in my uterus and that foreign object on my ovary which led them to strongly believe It was ectopic, yet medium cramping and not very much pain which pointed away from Ectopic because the pain they say is horrendous.
After a lot of prayer and a lot of googling I somehow went to sleep that night. The next morning I started to have a little more bleeding and after the most uncomfortable ultra sound of my life, the doctor came in to tell me, "I don't think Ectopic anymore, you are just miscarrying now." And then left the room....
Yes...it was that abrupt...for those that know me, ask my Mother, who almost ran after him to I assume "beat him".
[For the local "Hoag mamas" reading this, Irvine Hoag hospital is not a women's hospital. And while they have THE BEST Emergency Room and Staff I have ever been to/visited...(we've frequented the ER many times) the hospital is not a women's hospital, meaning God forbid this ever happens to you or to me again, or if you ever have female problems that warrant a hospital visit, definitely make the drive to Newport!]
Shortly after the doctor's quick departure, I began to start bleeding a lot! Sorry if this is TMI...but I couldn't find any information like this when researching, and I would have really liked to know what to expect.
So expect the bleeding to last weeks. Miscarriage doesn't happen in a day, it's a process, and when your first cycle after the miscarriage comes, expect it to be the worst one of your life, (everything comes out) and then get ready for the next time which will be the 2nd worst one of your life. I don't think I got to a regular cycle for quite a few months.
Once at home, I had terrible cramping and lots of bathroom trips. My mom cleaned my house and stayed with me until my husband came home from the marathon plane rides, that evening.
He got home and we both just cried for a long time...We had been beyond excited to grow our family! Jude was a big surprise as I got pregnant on birth control with him, and this second little baby came with our first month of trying! We had felt beyond blessed to have had it happen so easily...never really thinking that this would be our reality. The next couple of days were pure torture. My emotions and hormones were all over the place and bathroom visits were frequent. I'm about to share something that I would have seriously loved some warning about...and it's definitely TMI...
Miscarriage involves a lot of blood and a lot of tissue and clotting. I had sever pain and cramping and something came out that (to me) resembled what could have been "it"...I was paralyzed. Literally held it in my hand and made my husband call my mom...(because you are never too old to call your Mother crying...) and I just sobbed...how do I flush this down the toilet I asked her?! What am I supposed to do!!?? While I'll never know exactly what it was, to me, it was the first hurdle to jump and my first "giant" to face.
The days started to go on, I had a very active adorable little boy to take care of and a life to continue living. Everyone else was going on with their lives...so I'm supposed to also, right? If you're currently going through this, it's weird. I don't know how to describe it, but the overwhelmingly sense of loss that you feel...no one else will feel it like you do. When someone you love passes away, everyone that knew them will to some extent feel that loss or grief. But no one else knew this little being growing inside you...it makes sense...but for me, the loss was eerily similar to that of losing someone I had known for years! So How? How do move on when my heart is completely broken, and it seems like no one else's is... How do I feel such a sense of loss for something that I didn't get to know?!? The only thing I can think of, it because it's part of you! It's a piece of me, that forever is not there any longer. That feeling and that emotion is so real and extremely hard to overcome. There were multiple days maybe even weeks where I would cry multiple times a day and then once every day. There were also days where I was feeling great!! The highs are high and the lows are unbearable.
Fast forward to when we were given the green light to start "trying" again! I was ready! Or so I thought... I had been told by so many people and read so many stories about women who miscarried and then got pregnant just a couple months later. Our "couple months later" happened to be the original date that we were going to start trying before I suggested to my husband one night that we just "start trying a few months early!" So I thought surely God was just letting us know that we had jumped the gun. Wrong, I was so wrong...month after month after month after month. Lots of ovulation tests, lots of ridiculous "get pregnant tricks" and lots of negative pregnancy tests later...I was what I can only describe as in an extreme state of depression. I never imagined that it would be a challenge. Every month I thought was "the month" and every month I was disappointed and emotionally drained...perhaps I wasn't as "ready" as I thought.
9 months...9 months after we learned we were pregnant, on that little angel babes due date February 21st, is when I finally felt like I could breathe again. This isn't everyone's story...but it's mine. And for me it took 9 months to not feel that heavy emotion, to not think about what could have been and to not obsess over wanting to be pregnant again. I prayed so hard for God to just take my pain and take my anxiety, and although I had been praying that for months, this time I really meant it. At that moment we decided to take a break from trying altogether! And it was the most freeing thing I could have done for myself. We thought for only a month but it ended up being 4 and Gods timing was all very perfect. The same weekend that I allowed myself to let go of that loss, was also the same weekend that my new little business started and really took off. Seeing God work and seeing His plan is so much better!
We just recently started trying again and while I wish this ended with a pregnancy announcement, it does not. Contrary to what a lot of people's stories are on the Internet, not everyone gets pregnant after "taking a break". But it's okay. If there's anything I've learned over the past couple years it's that not everything ends the way that you pray or hope for. This past weekend in church they talked about facing your giants.
"We talk so much about our fears or our "Giants" and sometimes we leave out God."
He asked the question, "What rises in a fight? What comes out of you? Is it God?"
"What's bigger to you? Your fear or your God, Your Giant or your God, Your enemy or your God?!"
SO GOOD RIGHT?!
In the moment it's so hard to make our minds go there!! But that fear, that anxiety, that "Giant" can be so all-consuming. And I want for my next one to be a little less daunting. My favorite part of the sermon on Sunday was when he said that "'Giants' are a moment of discovery."
Ahhh!! What a way to look at them right?!
My thoughts: Am I gonna face it head on?! Am I going to think about every little detail that could go wrong that might not work out? Or am I going to live my life and allow God to be in control?
He went on to say, "Your giant is getting your ready for your reveal. Getting you ready for what Gods prepared.
If you don't use it for the glory of God the devil will use it instead!"
Again... SO GOOD!!
It's been in me to want to share this story for months and I hesitated... So this is me...using my fear, my anxiety "My Giant" for his glory! To share that miscarriage is devastating but even when there's not an immediate positive outcome around the corner, life goes on, God's purpose for you goes on, it actually never changed. So while it took me a long road to get to this place and yes, I woke up this morning with a heavy-hearted, and yes I did cry a few times today in remembering the events that took place a year ago, but tonight...Tonight, I'm going to bed ready and waiting for my reveal! Maybe reading this won't make it as long for you, or maybe it will but you won't feel alone and you can hold on to the fact that you don't have to have the outcome your hoping or praying for to feel whole again. You just need a lot of support, and for me, a lot of Jesus.
